the gift of memory's an awful curse

memory is a funny. it distorts things, get fuzzy almost immediately. they try not to use eye witnesses in criminal cases because they are so often wrong, remembered it wrong. "i guess i remembered it wrong. i was thinking my memory's strong but whatever you say"

i think about this because last night i saw a little boy on his bicycle get hit by a minivan. i rode to friendship to meet beth for dinner, and i ran into pete palasch as i was locking up my bike. we were talking and i heard a skidding and looked up to see a bike flying through the air. in my mind i can see the little boy fly through the air too, his little limbs limp and he tumbled to the ground, but then i can't tell if i just added that or really saw it. i know i saw the bike tumble in the air. i think i saw a shoe (he lost one when he was hit) i know i saw him lying on his stomach on the ground in front of the van, one leg straight the other leg bent. his feet weren't quite right. his arms up by his head. i think the bent leg is the one with the missing shoe. i remember the blood by his head. i remember his little cries as people tried to calm him down when he finally woke up. i remember telling the women on the phone where we were, that a little boy just got hit by a minivan, that she probably already had calls in. i remember his little face being bruises already and the cut that ran from about his left eye all the way around his forehead. the blood dripping from it. the older woman yelling at the man who hit the boy. the man who hit the boy saying 'oh god. why?' as he got out of his car, devastated that he hit a kid. i remember thinking 'why was a little boy riding on such a busy street? where are his parents? i bet he's scared to ride in the ambulance alone'. i remember the bandage around his head and the little neck brace they put on his to load him into the ambulance.

but i can't remember if i saw him in the air. such a small little detail, that doesn't even matter in the long run, but i keep going over it in my head. when i close my eyes, i see the bike in the air and his little limbs waffling around as he floated to the ground, but half of that might just be made up in my head.

i think we do this with everything. remember pieces and make the rest up in our minds. fill in the cracks with details that we wished happened, or would have preferred to have happened, or even didn't want to happen but were convinced did anyway.

did i really remember that look that he gave me? was i really right about what i saw? did i really say this or that?

memory is very deceptive. they say you only remember certain things after some amount of time passes, which is completely true. some people only remember the good things. some people only the bad. it's a tough thing to do...remember things correctly.

i'm wide awake its morning

this morning really was one of those mornings where i didn't want to get up. i didn't sleep well, and for no particular reason at all. i must have woken up at least three times last night. i didn't have bad dreams. i wasn't upset when i went to bed. i was tired. i had fun at darts, nothing serious had been happening. i watched project runway. how can you be sad after watching all those fashion designers fuck things up? the answer is, you cant be

so i've drafted a response to meaghan's latest email and i bet it will be the communication that we have, as i told her that she didn't respect our friendship and that she treated me like i was disposable. it's weird to sorta come to a decision that something that was so important to you at some point just couldn't be anymore. it doesn't even make me sad, really. i have a lot of best friends now, friends that are family. friends that i would do anything for. i wish they all lived a little closer, as lanny and erin armstrong are the only ones who live here in chicago, but then it gives me reason to go to la, san francisco, new york and las vegas. good thing i like to travel and have been lucky enough to be able to so far.

i have a client now.

oops

i guess summer happened and i forgot all about this blog. i also changed my plans and they keep changing because i'm fickle when it comes to this move. i love love love chicago, and the summer is when it becomes most apparent. the winter is so hard. i don't know, maybe this one will be easier. i leave for la on friday and i'll probably come back with renewed desire to move there. but who knows.

i met a boy here, a potential, hang out a lot boy. it's a slow process, though. i wish things were easy or that i could read minds, or that he would make a move. he wants to hang out a lot, but never makes any sort of move. it's frustrating but maybe a good sign that he isn't just into fucking me.

google is good. the same. they're flying me out to san francisco next month for an offsite meeting/just hanging out with the team. we're going to napa and tasting wine and staying in a swanky hotel. i'm pretty excited to see the mountain view office and kristine and shawn.

my throat's been fucking up for over a week. i refuse to accept/believe that i'm sick. it's just allergies. i've just drank three cups of tea and it does feel better.

i guess it's work time.

don canceled on saturday. he's sick. one day i will see him again.

speaking of people i haven't seen in forever, i hung out with regan this weekend for the first time since october. she's so nutty but i like her. we did division all weekend. john shaw's art opening was almost boring but it was so good to see him and meet his wife. lanny, erin rachel and i basically did a pub crawl around wicker park. she's pretty great, it was my first time meeting her although she's from peoria.

i flipped my handlebars today again. it's so fucking ridiculous. i bought linen pants at old navy, started to ride to to work, old navy bag got caught in my wheel and bam! face and shoulder hit pavement. arg.

cops

yesterday on my way to work there was a cop at ashland and augusta that was sorta standing on the corner like he wanted to direct traffic but wasn't really. i found it kinda funny that he was insistent this this guy turn right and the guy wasn't doing it because, well, he had a no turn on red and his light was red, but this cop would not let him just sit there. way to know the street signs copper.

man oh man

i suck at this. i knew it would get nice out and i would just stop writing. i mean, it's not perfect out but we had a couple of summer like days last week, which were amazing. this weekend the weather wasn't perfect but it was nice enough. there was some bbq action. there was some wedding action. there was some metal action. all in all a pretty good weekend.

i hit my face on the corner of my dresser and now i have this stupid circle bruise on my cheek.

there was this adorable 25 year old boy at ira and andrea's wedding this weekend. he was beardy. i enjoy beardy.

i'm doing this walk for the greater chicago food depository. my savings goal isn't that much. i hope i can raise it. so far i'm at 182.00 and i want 300. not bad. 100 of that pk donated.

i'm still behind on my actual savings goal. i have $4330 saved, will have $4470 by the end of the week, but that's still $500 less than i wanted. with my new move date, though, it's not as important since i'm going to put that money in my bank account before india and pay off one of my ccs completely and another one mostly.

i should probably get this towel off my head.

i didn't think it possible but the one person i thought would never let me down has let me down. i mean, i should have expected it to happen, as people do this sort of thing all the time. it ended up being not a super bad weekend, in spite of that. i hung out with my parents a lot, which probably did them a lot of good. i hate that they're going through this. i got to see rhys and noreen. i can't believe how adorable he is. it's amazing how they grow. the next time i see him he'll be enormous. it's nice to keep people like noreen in your life. we never see each other, very rarely, but it's always so good to see her.

i got into a little bike crash. i was on the sidewalk in front of my house riding onto the street and a lady was coming to the stop sign and i would have gotten hit by her, so i slammed on my brakes and well...must have hit the left one harder because i flipped over my handle bars and belly flopped on the sidewalk. i caught myself so i wouldn't smash my face. my bike landed on top of me. i was super embarassed and late for darts practice so i crawled out from under the bike and went to practice. i got to about belmont and things started to hurt. my hand hurt first and then my legs and boobs and then the back of my head. i think the bike hit the back of my head when it landed on me. my legs hit my handle bars before i fllipped. my boobs and hands landed on the ground. well, by the time i got the mulligans i couldn't move my left pinky and it was getting all swollen. i thought maybe i broke it, which would basically be a disaster. it's slowly gotten better. i showed it to nancy today and she said she thought it was probably just strained/sprained, which i agree. we'll see how tomorrow goes.

i had the worst headache today and the wind was so strong going home. it was horrible. i took half a vicodin when i got here. it feels a lot better and i'm almost ready for bed, despite it being 9:22pm.