sunday sunday sunday

It's Sunday again, it seems to be the hardest day. It's probably because I'm alone with my thoughts all day. It's ok, though. I'm seeing Linda and Jen today, which will be nice. In addition to them getting their massages we eat lunch. They forgot I was coming on Monday so we had to order pizza. They're like my Chicago family, on better than my real family...well my parents.

Last night I did nothing. I rented Zombieland and The Men Who Stare At Goats. I was fully expecting to hate the Men Who Stare at Goats, but I didn't. It got horrible reviews, well, not very positive ones. Maybe I have terrible taste in movies.

I feel like I use all of my real feelings in the emails I send to Kevin's email address, because they're all about him and that situation. By the time I get here, I'm plum out.

I'll be in Italy in two weeks. It's so strange because I think the trip will be awesome, and that Montenegro will be one of the most beautiful places I've ever seen, but I am still not excited about it. It's like it's physically impossible for me to get excited about it. I want to be, I really do, but I just can't. Stupid brain.

i have made life

Plant life, that is. The seeds I planted last weekend are starting to pop through the dirt. If this weather doesn't kill them, I will have flowers that I grew from scratch. I've never done that. I've planted herbs, but never flowers.

It's sunny today but not so warm. It's one of those days where if we hadn't had those 80 degree days people would be sitting outside on patios drinking beers and pretending like it was time to do so. But not today, because we have felt the real patio weather.

My tattoo is starting to get itchy. I forget about this phase. It's not so hurty anymore so that's nice.

I called my mom today to wish her a happy mother's day, but she wasn't home. I talked to Nancy for quite a while. I admire her strength. I'm impressed by how well she seems to be doing. She, of course, isn't doing perfectly, but she's doing ok. She seemed to perk up at the idea of going to the Tigers game on Kevin's birthday.  I think it will be nice too. I'm getting nervous about the ashes. I still have well over a month to decide exactly what we should do but...it's a big deal. I miss him so much this weekend.

Planning the trip to rome has been overwhelming to say the least. There is so much to do there. I don't even know where to begin. It's going to be pretty rad, though.

brrr

it's cold again. Why must Chicago be such a weather tease.

I miss Kevin today, have all day. I tried to take a nap but ended up just being sad. This is perfect napping weather. I got a new tattoo yesterday.

It will get easier, right?

boo

tonight i'm sad. i'm not sad all the time, every second. sometimes i can think about kevin in a really real way and still be ok. but not tonight. tonight was a walking down the street with lola while sobbing night. a night where i wonder if this is maybe how things will be from here on out. meaghan said she hopes that i'm writing things down, because we're not always this raw, but i'd rather forget this part. i'd rather not remember crying while doing the dishes because the water's too hot, or that emptiness in my gut that just won't go away. or the images my brain comes up with. i'd rather just fast forward to when i have fewer and fewer of these moments. when this pain is a distant memory. when i can do something other than talk about, think about, explain this situation. when people don't feel like they have to treat me delicately or aren't comfortable talking about their stuff because of mine. i'd rather skip thinking about ashes, and memorials and memories and trying to get lola to respond to kevin's name...like the dog remembering him makes any difference.

one month in

It's been one month since Kevin died. One month. One month of more tears that I've ever cried in my life. One month, 12 less pounds on my body. One month, hours of sleep missing. One month of trying to live my regular life, while I think about Kevin all the time. I have these moments of not thinking about it, when things seem ok. Out of nowhere...bam! Crying. Sad. Thinking about never talking to him again.  Never seeing him again. Lola never jumping on him, breaking his glasses. I hate it. I hate that he's gone.

It really does get easier every day. I just wonder if it will ever just be easy.