stuff and things

There's this moment, especially here at Google, when the massage is done and the person is leaving and it's when they should tip but they're either not going to or they left it in the bowl in the room, and we just sorta look at each other awkwardly and i try to say something that sounds professional like 'drink extra water. if you're sore ice' while they look at me and i look at them .....and yeah. it's uncomfortable sometimes.

last night i had a really unpleasant dream. i was jogging in la with lola and kate walsh (weird, huh). we were running on grass, but there were all these pits in it, deep ones, that we kept having to jump over. lola and i were doing a really good job and then lola sorta fell behind and i looked back just in time to see her fall into a big hole. she was trying to hang on with her front paws but she couldn't get herself back up and she fell in. i ran over to the hole, which was giant but she was gone. i woke up hyperventillating. lola was sleeping next to me. it was a really unpleasant way to wake up.

i think i'm going to name my bike hank. it's full name will be henry bacon, but i will never use it. i've just been thinking about the name henry, and then last night i was telling ines about this totally discusting bacon donut sandwhich thing i saw a picture of that made me a little sick just to think about and she said 'everything with you is about bacon' so...bacon it is.

thunder

It's thundering. It's raining. It's supposed to get cold tonight, which isn't very exciting. I don't mind rain but this is sorta a shitty way for it to do it.

I'm tired, so tired. I wish life would be less tiring. How does that happen?

I've been eating a lot of vegetarian food this week.

I think I'm ready to move.

i want to ride my bicycle

My new bicycle totally rules. I bought it yesterday and I love love love it. It still needs a name, and no I will not be naming it buttcycle, or viscosity for that matter. But, yeah, it's awesome. If it were just ten degrees warmer I would totally be riding it to work today. It's supposed to be warm tomorrow but it's going to rain.

I failed at going to the dentist today. I suck. It makes me totally annoyed.

Today I feel ok with moving. Tomorrow probably not.

and breath

The breath holding continues.

I wish that I could wake up every morning with resolve to do something, instead of doubt and questions, just resolve. Sometimes I wake up and think that my plan is great, that things will be great. Sometimes I wake up feeling nostalgic for this city and this life. Sometimes I wake up and wish I could just stay in bed. Why why why am i so unsure about everything?

I saw the movie Doubt with Davo today. I thought it was good, but not great. I thought all of the performances were excellent and I hope that Phillip Seymore Hoffman gets something.

Tonight is the Oscars. I really don't care that much, but I do like to see the arrivals for the dresses. Kevin always loved the fashion.

I took the longest nap today. I've been sleeping like crap lately. I've been having dreams about being trapped all the time. Yesterday i had to fight to get out of bed. I just couldn't do it.

It snowed, big snow globe snow. It was lovely.

What am i saying here? nothing really.

Last night i went to two birthday parties, for a Mat and a Matthew. I finally made it to the Whistler. the drinks are expensive but yummy. I had a rosemary collins and it was delicious. I can't wait for bike riding season. I will actually do stuff. No one seems to be doing anything now. I wish I had a frozen pizza or something, ultimate laziness. I have no food here. I really need to get it together, for reals.

sometimes i wish i was still sleeping

I was awoken this morning to the sound of...well a loud sound that woke me up and in my half asleep state i thought it was someone sawing. I looked at the clocked and thought '7am is too early for them to be doing construction' then, reality set in. it was not sawing, of course, it was the sound of someone scraping ice off of their car because, of course again, it was 11 degrees this morning and had snowed last night. Fucking winter.

I'm just not in a good mood. I woke up crabby and it's stuck. The bus took it's sweet time to come and the wind was blowing out of the west pretty hard. A girl tipped me four ones, four quarters, a dime, a nickel and two pennies. It's stupid.

Lola was an angel on her walk this afternoon, which is good because I am in no mood. I really think winter turns me into a raging bitch.

aaarrrggg

I went bicycle shopping today and found one that i love. i think I'm going to buy it up at Turin. I cannot wait to ride. I'm so excited even though it's not red, it's green, but I can live with that. It's a single speed and I couldn't be more excited about it.

I need a life coach, or a crystal ball, or even a magic 8 ball to tell me where to live. The more time goes by the less sure of anything I get. I'm talking to Dale online and he's selling me on Portland, which is wwwaaayy cheaper than anywhere in California, but it's also pretty granola and rains a lot in the winter. It doesn't get all that cold and it's close to the coast and mountains and trees. It's super bike friendly. I started looking around on craigslist, there even seems to be jobs for mts. So that's all fine and dandy. I know a few people out there and it seems pretty livable. I don't know.

I've always dreamed of California. Am I supposed to give that up? Is it more practical to? I'm going to make my way out there to see Dale maybe at the end of May. I wanted to go to New York in June. I wish I had someone to take Lola so i didn't feel so bad about going out of town.

Why does decision making have to be so difficult?

Last night i could have punched Lanny in the face. He was super insistent that I shouldn't buy a new bike with my tax money, but instead go to Ecuador because I'm not going to ride it when I move anyway.

Now i am super committed to this. When I move, I will continue to ride as often as possible. I know that it is much more difficult there than here. Chicago is a relatively small city with superb bike lanes and is very bicycle friendly, whereas L.A. is giant and with hardly any bike lanes. I'm going to bike it. I probably won't be able to bike to work but I can certainly bike socially. There is a bike community there, I found a website that's all about it.

I just can't stand it when people tell me I can't/won't do something. It just makes me want to do it more. I think I need a nap.

my little valentine

That would be no one, maybe Lola. I don't know. Well, it's Valentine's day and it doesn't really matter. I'm not sad that I'm alone today, it really shouldn't matter. When i was in L.A. Pk and I were at dinner at this little restaurant and all the tables were really close together. There was an older couple next to us and one of them was from Seattle or something Pacific Northwest like that. They were listening to our conversation and we eventually talked to them a little bit. Valentine's day came up and one of them, I think the lady, said that the man should appreciate her every day of the year. His response was 'I'll start tomorrow.'

Anyway, last night on the drive home I did get a little nostalgic about when things were good with Kevin. i mean, I loved him and he had so many qualities about him that were so good. In the end the bad outweighed the good but I remember Valentine's day with him. He never had any money but he tried. He always took me someplace nice, made me a mix cd, did something. He could be very thoughtful. It was one of the good qualities.

This year i have spent all day with Lola, finishing up Battlestar Galactica and cleaning. I'm meeting EA at Irazu and then we're going to see Coraline. I might go see an Elvis impersonator but we'll see.

It snowed again but it's not that unpleasant outside.

I get really nervous about moving, about being alone out there. I wonder if it's worth it, worth what I'll be sacrificing here. If I have all this doubt, is it really the right thing to do? I have so many months to decide. I feel like I've told everyone that I'm going to do it and even if I wanted to change my mind I might be too stubborn to, and that's just stupid.

faux spring, where have you gone?

We had fake spring this weekend and it was so nice. It was in the 60s so I spent a lot of time outside. I took Lola on long walks, we had dog dates. It was lovely. It could be this way all the time in California. I have to keep reminding myself of this. I get so nervous. I wish I could just trust a decision. I wish that I could pick something and stick with it and know that it's right. How can I know that it's right? It's impossible. Life is full of questions and no answers.

i don't remember

I really need to keep up with this because I now realize that I don't remember anything. I was looking through old blogs on myspace and I didn't remember anything. It's amazing what I can forget and what I can't forget.

Anyway, last night I saw rachel getting married with Maureen. I've started watching Battlestar Galactica because Davo has forced me, well not really but he's been trying to convince me forever. Sunday was the Superbowl, so I went to Pete and Beth's like always. I've seen a different one of my friends every day since Saturday. I won't have that option anymore when I live in California. I'll lose my support system completely. I mean, I have friends there but they're not the same. Graham is never around. Michael is great but flaky and hasn't REALLY known me since we were young. I feel like my friendship with PK is conditional, like we were much better friends when he wanted to fuck me and now that he has he can take or leave me. This may not be the actual case but me bringing this up with him would probably not go over well at all.

Today I'm going to try to start going to the gym at work. This will allow me to cancel my gym membership that I never use.