the gift of memory's an awful curse

memory is a funny. it distorts things, get fuzzy almost immediately. they try not to use eye witnesses in criminal cases because they are so often wrong, remembered it wrong. "i guess i remembered it wrong. i was thinking my memory's strong but whatever you say"

i think about this because last night i saw a little boy on his bicycle get hit by a minivan. i rode to friendship to meet beth for dinner, and i ran into pete palasch as i was locking up my bike. we were talking and i heard a skidding and looked up to see a bike flying through the air. in my mind i can see the little boy fly through the air too, his little limbs limp and he tumbled to the ground, but then i can't tell if i just added that or really saw it. i know i saw the bike tumble in the air. i think i saw a shoe (he lost one when he was hit) i know i saw him lying on his stomach on the ground in front of the van, one leg straight the other leg bent. his feet weren't quite right. his arms up by his head. i think the bent leg is the one with the missing shoe. i remember the blood by his head. i remember his little cries as people tried to calm him down when he finally woke up. i remember telling the women on the phone where we were, that a little boy just got hit by a minivan, that she probably already had calls in. i remember his little face being bruises already and the cut that ran from about his left eye all the way around his forehead. the blood dripping from it. the older woman yelling at the man who hit the boy. the man who hit the boy saying 'oh god. why?' as he got out of his car, devastated that he hit a kid. i remember thinking 'why was a little boy riding on such a busy street? where are his parents? i bet he's scared to ride in the ambulance alone'. i remember the bandage around his head and the little neck brace they put on his to load him into the ambulance.

but i can't remember if i saw him in the air. such a small little detail, that doesn't even matter in the long run, but i keep going over it in my head. when i close my eyes, i see the bike in the air and his little limbs waffling around as he floated to the ground, but half of that might just be made up in my head.

i think we do this with everything. remember pieces and make the rest up in our minds. fill in the cracks with details that we wished happened, or would have preferred to have happened, or even didn't want to happen but were convinced did anyway.

did i really remember that look that he gave me? was i really right about what i saw? did i really say this or that?

memory is very deceptive. they say you only remember certain things after some amount of time passes, which is completely true. some people only remember the good things. some people only the bad. it's a tough thing to do...remember things correctly.

i'm wide awake its morning

this morning really was one of those mornings where i didn't want to get up. i didn't sleep well, and for no particular reason at all. i must have woken up at least three times last night. i didn't have bad dreams. i wasn't upset when i went to bed. i was tired. i had fun at darts, nothing serious had been happening. i watched project runway. how can you be sad after watching all those fashion designers fuck things up? the answer is, you cant be

so i've drafted a response to meaghan's latest email and i bet it will be the communication that we have, as i told her that she didn't respect our friendship and that she treated me like i was disposable. it's weird to sorta come to a decision that something that was so important to you at some point just couldn't be anymore. it doesn't even make me sad, really. i have a lot of best friends now, friends that are family. friends that i would do anything for. i wish they all lived a little closer, as lanny and erin armstrong are the only ones who live here in chicago, but then it gives me reason to go to la, san francisco, new york and las vegas. good thing i like to travel and have been lucky enough to be able to so far.

i have a client now.

oops

i guess summer happened and i forgot all about this blog. i also changed my plans and they keep changing because i'm fickle when it comes to this move. i love love love chicago, and the summer is when it becomes most apparent. the winter is so hard. i don't know, maybe this one will be easier. i leave for la on friday and i'll probably come back with renewed desire to move there. but who knows.

i met a boy here, a potential, hang out a lot boy. it's a slow process, though. i wish things were easy or that i could read minds, or that he would make a move. he wants to hang out a lot, but never makes any sort of move. it's frustrating but maybe a good sign that he isn't just into fucking me.

google is good. the same. they're flying me out to san francisco next month for an offsite meeting/just hanging out with the team. we're going to napa and tasting wine and staying in a swanky hotel. i'm pretty excited to see the mountain view office and kristine and shawn.

my throat's been fucking up for over a week. i refuse to accept/believe that i'm sick. it's just allergies. i've just drank three cups of tea and it does feel better.

i guess it's work time.

don canceled on saturday. he's sick. one day i will see him again.

speaking of people i haven't seen in forever, i hung out with regan this weekend for the first time since october. she's so nutty but i like her. we did division all weekend. john shaw's art opening was almost boring but it was so good to see him and meet his wife. lanny, erin rachel and i basically did a pub crawl around wicker park. she's pretty great, it was my first time meeting her although she's from peoria.

i flipped my handlebars today again. it's so fucking ridiculous. i bought linen pants at old navy, started to ride to to work, old navy bag got caught in my wheel and bam! face and shoulder hit pavement. arg.

cops

yesterday on my way to work there was a cop at ashland and augusta that was sorta standing on the corner like he wanted to direct traffic but wasn't really. i found it kinda funny that he was insistent this this guy turn right and the guy wasn't doing it because, well, he had a no turn on red and his light was red, but this cop would not let him just sit there. way to know the street signs copper.

man oh man

i suck at this. i knew it would get nice out and i would just stop writing. i mean, it's not perfect out but we had a couple of summer like days last week, which were amazing. this weekend the weather wasn't perfect but it was nice enough. there was some bbq action. there was some wedding action. there was some metal action. all in all a pretty good weekend.

i hit my face on the corner of my dresser and now i have this stupid circle bruise on my cheek.

there was this adorable 25 year old boy at ira and andrea's wedding this weekend. he was beardy. i enjoy beardy.

i'm doing this walk for the greater chicago food depository. my savings goal isn't that much. i hope i can raise it. so far i'm at 182.00 and i want 300. not bad. 100 of that pk donated.

i'm still behind on my actual savings goal. i have $4330 saved, will have $4470 by the end of the week, but that's still $500 less than i wanted. with my new move date, though, it's not as important since i'm going to put that money in my bank account before india and pay off one of my ccs completely and another one mostly.

i should probably get this towel off my head.

i didn't think it possible but the one person i thought would never let me down has let me down. i mean, i should have expected it to happen, as people do this sort of thing all the time. it ended up being not a super bad weekend, in spite of that. i hung out with my parents a lot, which probably did them a lot of good. i hate that they're going through this. i got to see rhys and noreen. i can't believe how adorable he is. it's amazing how they grow. the next time i see him he'll be enormous. it's nice to keep people like noreen in your life. we never see each other, very rarely, but it's always so good to see her.

i got into a little bike crash. i was on the sidewalk in front of my house riding onto the street and a lady was coming to the stop sign and i would have gotten hit by her, so i slammed on my brakes and well...must have hit the left one harder because i flipped over my handle bars and belly flopped on the sidewalk. i caught myself so i wouldn't smash my face. my bike landed on top of me. i was super embarassed and late for darts practice so i crawled out from under the bike and went to practice. i got to about belmont and things started to hurt. my hand hurt first and then my legs and boobs and then the back of my head. i think the bike hit the back of my head when it landed on me. my legs hit my handle bars before i fllipped. my boobs and hands landed on the ground. well, by the time i got the mulligans i couldn't move my left pinky and it was getting all swollen. i thought maybe i broke it, which would basically be a disaster. it's slowly gotten better. i showed it to nancy today and she said she thought it was probably just strained/sprained, which i agree. we'll see how tomorrow goes.

i had the worst headache today and the wind was so strong going home. it was horrible. i took half a vicodin when i got here. it feels a lot better and i'm almost ready for bed, despite it being 9:22pm.

you shouldn't go home again

i'm at my parent's house and it's just incredibly depressing. they're having a garage sale, and it's like our whole lives are out there. they can't afford anything. i looked at my mom's arm today. her elbow is swollen and she can't get it bend past 90 degrees, which is terrible range of motion. and she wouldn't go to the hospital because she can't afford it. i can't help them anymore. there's nothing else i can do. i had this urge to call pk for some reason, when i started to get really sad. i haven't talked to him since i was out there. it's his birthday here in detroit already.

i'm going to try really hard to buck up but i have pms and greys anatomy was sorta soul crushing at the end and i have nothing really exciting going on and it's lonely here, and in my life all the time.

messy mess mess

is what i've been for days now. i cry for no reason. i get angry for no reason. it's fucking retarded. the weather is not cooperating.

i am behind on my savings goal, by a lot. at this moment, may 11, i have $4000. i am about $500 behind what i wanted to have. unless i start seeing don again, i'm in trouble. he's recovering from his hip replacement, goes back to work in a week, so i bet he'll start calling again. i certainly hope so.

iron and wine is tomorrow. the kills was saturday, they were eh. i would have rather been at cursive. at least i got to hang out with matt and rosylin the next day but it sure would have been nice to see ted.

oops

it's been a while.

i'm totally sick. i called in sick today for the first time in my life. i've been napping, drinking water and tea, soup. boo.

it's probably just exhaustion from sharon's visit, which was a non-stop fun but tiring adventure.

one month to india. oooohhh....

i'm thinking about pushing back my move date, almost a year. i could get out of debt and try to save money on top of it.

blah. i've sucked at this.

kid in candy store

i would love to be in a candy store. this is why i have an ass.

tomorrow is my birthday and i am so excited. i love my birthday week. i've spent the whole weekend drinking, which is probably indicative of what's going to happen the rest of the week. last night sunday night rainbo. saturday joe and amanda's wedding, which was fun and sharkey got WASTED. friday night i ran into brian boes. so cute. tomorrow is flight of the conchords. and pedicure. and pilates. thursday is dinner. friday is drinking. yay! i can't wait for sharon to get here.

hot hot hot

i can't decide if it's hot in here like summer because it's hot outside, which it is, or if i just feel hot because i've been drinking and i just rode my bike into the wind for a couple of miles.

i was riding and i came up to two dudes who were just getting on their bikes in the bike lane and i totally passed them and as i did one of them said 'look...a little ninja'...a bike ninja. i like that. i would like to be referred to as a bike ninja from now on.

went to a show tonight..vacations and tight phantomz. knew a lot of people there. cute boy, brian, was there. i didn't really talk to him much. he seemed more interested in a bro-down. so, he's not into me. i'm used to that.

tomorrow is wisconsin wedding. i stayed too late tonight, drank too much, spent too much money. i'm going to eat some wheat thins and go to bed.

when it's nice outside...

i don't usually write in this. last friday and saturday were so nice. friday, although cooler, was way nicer because the sun was out.

anyway, death cab for cutie was friday. i rode my bike to work and back and to the show and back. 22 miles round trip. the show was good. i like going alone, even though i like going with one person who i can just say something to every once in a while. but it was good. i bought a shirt, and while i was buying it some girl found money on the ground and asked if it was mine, which it wasn't but no one took it so i did. $11, so the shirt only ended up costing me $9. yay! anyway, went to gold star after to meet lanny. erin was lanny style wasted, which was surprising, and lanny was just fine. i ran into james, who was with a friend named brian. brian is cute. i didn't really get to talk to him very much until i was leaving. i talked to mikey and jamie mostly. brandy was in town again, made out with some boy at the bar and then left with him. two make outs at gold star that night. i was going to go talk to james so i could maybe talk to brian, and when i looked over he was making out with some girl. i guess she's all drama though.

anyway, i left without really talking to brian, but luckily he seemed to seek me out. i was about to get on my bike when he came up and started talking to me about bikes and then his class that he was showing the outsiders to (he teachers special ed to 7, 8 graders). the three of us walked for about four blocks. cute cute cute. we're facebook friends now. ah, technology.

saturday, lunch at sunrise. jt was there. he's balding in such a funny way. like mange. ha! bowling for nicole's birthday and then dinner at mat and amanda's. amanda made this brisket with some sort of sauce and home made speitzel. it was so fucking good. ea and i went to margie's for banana nut sundays after. we ate them outside. yeah, i said it, OUTSIDE. it's so nice to be able to be outside. well, at least until sunday.

i had gotten two tickets to the opening ceremony of the holocaust. i took erin. we got there at about 10:30am, didn't start until about noon. it was maybe 45 outside and rainy. bill clinton spoke, as did elie weisel. he was amazing. a holocaust survivor who now is a professor and a pulitzer prize winner. we froze and then when it was over it was an unbrella cluster fuck. there was a lot of dripping and poking and people stuck together.

sunday night was this american life. so good. dan savage pretty much made the whole audience cry with his story of his mom dying.

and now, it's just been raining for three days straight. i wish it would stop already. it's supposed to be almost 80 friday and saturday. can't happen fast enough.

i wish i could do pilates every day.

maybe baby

i might be slowly getting back on track on the savings plan. don gets his hip replaced on monday and then maybe, just maybe, i will start seeing him regularly again in a few weeks. would be nice.

i remember when i was so excited about things, ideas, stuff. when i would discuss art, philosophy, life to such a deep extent than i do now. everything seems so boring and superficial now. maybe a change of scenery will make everything seem better. i mean, it will certainly make things scarier.

i still have the oh shit moments, where i think it'd be better to stay. what does that mean?

ok, sorta catching up on the saving.

the weather is much nicer than it was. i thought i would fix the door knob on the massage room, but apparently i cannot. i will have to call them tomorrow. i'm constantly hungry today. i have some oranges that i can eat. i'm trying really hard to be better about food, but i just like chocolate so much that i can't stop eating it.

man. i have nothing to say.

kevin sent me a text message today that asked me if i had gotten an easter basket, to which i said 'of course not.' and he said sorry. then i asked him why he even cared, since he never did when we were today. he called me grouchy, which i wasn't. i just thought it was annoying that he would ask this now, three years after he should have cared, which is what i told him. he said whatever. annoying.

i got into a little annoying thing with lynette yesterday about the fact that she's one of those girls who makes everything about her boyfriend, and forgets that she has a life outside of him. just annoying.

BASEBALL!!!

it snowed yesterday and a little today. that=boo.

the cubs are currently winning 3-1 in their season opener vs houston. that=yay!

the thing i will miss most about chicago=cubs baseball all summer long.

i love this game. i love this team.

oh, the tigers are getting their asses handed to them.

i am still failing at the savings goal.

failure

i'm failing at my savings goal, and with the way the schedule is going it's not looking good. i'm doing what i can but right now i have $3060, and only expecting to make 260 this month for the fund. i've been putting tip money in, but i don't make that much. ugh.

morrissey was great last night. i saw ian and it was actually really nice.
geoff and mel had a party for mel's birthday and i ended up staying until almost 3, which is kind of amazing. i never stay out late. it was just nice to talk to everyone.

sometimes, i feel manic.

i miss

so many things but today i miss my friends the most. i feel like everyone is so far away, even the close ones. suddenly, i'm sad.

snow=stupid

it's snowing. it snowed. it's slushy. it's not so cold. it's just stupid. i hate it. lola loves it. ugh.

went out last night, saw peoria people. it was nice. shared ridiculous boy stories with brandy. talked dogs with mikey. talked about neighborhood violence with stan. yay old friends.

i am starving. i wish i could go to the gym more, that i was more motivated, but it would be motivated to be less soft, more healthy.

this blog feels weird. i'm not feeling very conflicted about anything.

i have missed my savings goal yet again. i only have 2720. $280 short of what i wanted to have. not seeing don is really screwing it up.

oh no!

today, on my way to bill and nancy's, i witnessed a dog get hit by a fed ex truck. i don't know if it died, but it's a pretty safe assumption. i saw it under the wheel. the tongue was hanging out. his legs were in the air. his owners were trying to get him. i cried like a fucking baby.

i had a dream about gossip girl characters last night. that is so lame.

i am so tired that i am having trouble staying awake. it's only 9:50pm. so early.

and that was a date

i went on a date last night. i don't know if it's him or the fact that i feel temporary here or that my mind is somewhere else, but i just wasn't into. he's nice, which is something. and he seems to be really into me, so that's nice, but all i can say about him is nice. i feel nothing. no spark. no butterflies, at all. none. not even a little mothlike one. nothing. he asked me out again. i don't really have time next week, i'm trying to plan a ladies night and want to see nicki and morrissey and bradley reunion. excuses, excuses, just not feeling it. my mind/heart, still with pk and that sounds so fucking pathetic. it's not like i think about him all the time, but that's who my mind goes to in my sleep, who i try to be in when i dream.

i had a dream last night that i was hanging out with andy, from austin. i was showing him my engagement ring and wedding band. it was this super nice antique ring. want to get married much? not so much that i'm going to pretend.

i have all these plans tonight. it's betty's birthday and young widows are at the beat kitchen. i'm going to watch lost, eat some chocolate, walk the dog, and go out more tonight than i have in the past couple of weeks.

i. am. lame.

so fucking bored/annoyed

i went to work today, on my day off, when i could have been at ikea, for fucking nothing. i came for this stupid training session, which got canceled 15 minutes after it started because they were having vc problems. so annoyed. stupid corporate crap. i sat here for a couple of hours sorta working on my self assessment. at least i get paid for that. i have to wait until 4:30 to pick up my visa, so im just sitting here. ggrrrr.

massage room is somewhat ready. i fit everything i needed to into the closet,the futon is in the kitchen. i need to get the door knob fixed so i can keep the cats out of that room. they like to go where i don't want them to.

i moved everything by myself. pretty impressive.

i'm sick of sneezing.

i stink

i smell like korean bbq. mat and i went and ate super delicious food. they give you all these little bowls filled with stuff and then let you cook your own meat. it was pretty awesome. everything was delicious. there was this seaweed salad on one bowl, and some sort of apple salad in another and whole cloves of garlic for cooking and shit that i didn't recognize but ate anyway. i love not restricting my food intake. it makes eating an adventure.

i am not doing so great with the money saving. i mean, i'm giving it a shot but i totally fail. i went to fancy delicious dinner with nicki on tuesday and just had delicious $20 dinner with mat. but it's all so good. i would hate to miss it.

i'm going to try to finagle my way into some yelp reviews. i think tomorrow i'm going to turn the office into a massage room and start seeing people at the house. it would make things a lot easier and i could really make good money. i could still do outcalls, but i would charge more. i need to get dan sharkey to get my webpage back up.

lola's trying to pick which toy she wants out of the box. it's super cute.

i took the plastic down today. i could take the stuffiness no longer. it felt so good, but it's kinda cold in here now. oh well. i totally sat on the porch today and it was worth it.

how do you tell someone you think they made a huge mistake?

bicycles and garlic

man. i have some garlic breath. i ate a bunch of garlic at this super delicious restaurant with nicki tonight. it's always nice to see her,b ut always feel like i will fuck something up, say the wrong thing. her belly is getting bigger and its' cute. i can't wait for her to have the little monkey. i just hope it's not when i'm in india. i think she's bummed out that i'm not having a birthday dinner this year.

i rode my bike up to the chiro office today and got the best surprise...nancy offered me $20/hr to do the billing, and offered to back pay me for the work i've already done. i did 3.5 hours just today and have to go back on saturday to do insurance bills and patient reminders. it will be nice to make a few hundred extra dollars.

jackie is pregnant. it's definitely a surprise.

pk sent me links to houses he's interested in. he also asked me if i wanted to take his roommate's rooms when they move out in june. sigh. friendship.

forgot to tell you

i saw an orthodox jew on stilts, just walking down the street.

went to michigan this weekend for meaghan's birthday and i got to see her family. they crack me up. it's like the fun family that i never had. i mean, of course i had a family, but we aren't really any fun. i went to lunch with my uncle, grandpa and parents today and my grandpa never speaks, my uncle talks incessently about cameras and my parents...i don't know. my mom sat across the table from me this morning, sorta staring at me. i asked her what she was doing and she said 'nothing. you're just pretty'. i told her she was being creepy.

meaghan's party was fun. erin showed up post a horrible wedding event and was incredibly wasted and kept telling me the same stories over and over again. i felt kinda bad about letting her drive home, but i did try to get her to stay and i wasn't about to tackle her in the hallway, but maybe i should have. lola and i visited kevin. he looks a little chubby. it was nice to see him, even though he's all stressed out and unhappy, but i feel like that's how he's been forever. first it was about me and now about kathy. he'll maybe never be happy. he goes from happy and in love to sad and miserable and alone. there's never an alone and ok phase with him. his mom tried to accuse us of going to the store to buy booze, which is pretty funny. i'm pretty much the last person who would be doing that. i didn't even realize what she was talking about at first, but then figured out that she thought we left to get vodka when really i just wanted a blank dvd so i could steal a bunch of music.

i think he and i have reached a point where we can be friends. i don't think this would have been possible before he started seeing kathy, although he made comments about being glad that i wasn't going to make out with anyone at meaghan's party and that i looked pretty and when he asked me about la and i told him where i thought i would live he said 'is that where pk lives?' all snide. but, whatever. erin said that he's too big of a project and i shouldn't even be his friend, but he's not my project anymore so...

this old man did the most ass holey thing to me. i stopped at the gas station in indiana and went into the station. when i came out, there was a dude in front of my in a truck that was towing some sort of big machine so i couldn't pull forward to get out, i would have had to back out. when i went to turn my car on, i saw this old man stop behind me, perpendicular to me, and get out of his car. he then proceeds to walk toward my pump...so i get out of the car and ask him to let me out before he starts pumping. he proceeds to tell me that he's not moving, and when i ask him who does that? and told him he was an ass hole he told me that i was an ass hole. i yelled at him some more and then had to just sit in my car and wait. arg. so frustrating.

INDIA

so i'm not so much of a spur of the moment kind of gal. i like to plan things, think about things, think about planning things and then think about them some more.

this morning sharon posted on facebook that she found an india deal that she can't use. when i got back from the gym i asked her about it. she sent me the link. i immediately told her that i'm all in and that we should go. i will just do that instead of going to new york. so, she booked it. it's booked. i'm going to india june 8-15. i know, this does not seem to be very condusive to my savings plan, but the whole thing cost $1200, airfare plus fees and taxes, and hotels and getting from one city to the other and touring the taj ma hal and all this other stuff. it's totally insane, and i couldn't pass it up. sure, i'll need to fly to new york first, but that's ok. it will add a couple hundred dollars to it. maybe i will fly out of detroit and bring the dog up to my parents, or maybe i will see if ea will stay here.

i'm more excited about this than i have been about anything in a long time. it will be so good to travel with sharon again, too. we travel really well together and she always does a ton of research. on my way to work i bought a lonely travel guide. i almost missed my bus stop on my way home because i was reading it.

so, yeah. oops. i'm going to india!!!!

well that was distracting

davo and i were finally able to see watchmen tonight. lanny joined us. it was pretty good but the blue penis was distracting.

for some reason it's 60 degrees, at least it was the last time i was outside. now it's probably cold and raining. it's supposed to drop to the 20s. stupid weather.

i did a pilates class this morning which kicked my ass. i'm going to try to do this more regularly. i was totally unable to do any actual work out work after. i was thinking about yoga tomorrow but i really don't like her yoga class.

my spine hurts.

well that was frustrating

davo and i went to the imax to see watchmen...well, we waited and waited and waited in the theater. about 40 minutes after our movie was supposed to come on the dude came on the mic and told us that the projector was broken and we had to get refunds or rainchecks. we exhanged our tickets for tuesday. we'll try try agian.

it's been raining almost non-stop for about two days now. lola just loves it. i took a cab six blocks home from the bar last night.

i don't know why i bother going to the bar. i'd almost rather do nothing.

tonight i'm going to rainbo for the first time in almost a month. i'm bringing the cupcakes.

there's been a lot of baseball on, so it's been pretty great.

i think i saved about another $100 this week. we'll see.

I AM SO BORED!!!

60s

oh my. the weather has been pretty nice. i rode hank to work yesterday and today. it would be nice for it to be this way all the time. the bike is spectacular. i totally need to start working harder for myself to be back in bike shape. 8 miles a day is tough.

i talked to kevin. he's an idiot.

sharon offered to drive with me to california. she just volunteered. it made me really excited about leaving. having her come with me would be pretty great. she said she would probably take off a week and a half or two weeks to go with me. i found a really cheap place out there. so, we'll see what happens.

it's too bad the economy is so bad. it makes doing this a little tougher.

oops

i totally forgot to report that i have save $1900 so far. that's not too bad, so it's also not growing very quickly. i really need to get a hold of don.

in completely different, in fact almost opposite, news my dinner tonight at custom house was so fucking good. i had duck prosciutto, veal cheeks with purred potatoes and a little bread with marrow on it. oh my fucking god. marrow is so delicious. i had no idea. it's so good. there was chocolate mousse cake for dessert. it was overall and excellent meal.

the snow continues and the temperature is low....stupid lion. i'm ready for the fucking lamb already and it's just the second day of march.

i wish that i had exciting things to say here right now but i've been completely hibernating due to this weather. i have missed three weeks in a row of sunday night rainbo and i feel like i have no idea what is going on with christina. i spent all last night downloading music and chatting. molly did come over and get a massage but other than that my day was pretty much lost.

i really need to start eating better and going to the gym more. i went on saturday and it wasn't that bad. i was going to get up early today and go, but i decided that i would be too rushed so i'm going to go after my lunch date with carol.

sometimes i just feel like screaming.

so that happened

yesterday i checked into where kevin might be...turns out he's in jail. his sister posted something on his facebook page. no details about for what or for how long...i'm very curious.

last night i went to see ea's new band play at ronny's. it was like being in my basement in college. a lot of my friends were there, a lot of them from peoria...the drinks were retardedly expensive for such a small size. lanny and i met erin at this party after the show that was in a garden apartment. it was for this girl that i don't really know. she was super wasted. there were maybe ten people there, twelve tops, and the cops broke it up. erin was drinking tang and tangueray. gross. when the cops came we all went upstairs. it was so weird. who goes to parties when they're 30 that get broken up by cops?

it snowed again. this weather blows. it can totally eat a dick.

i talked to phil yesteray. he's leaving for la in may. it made me excited about going again.

stuff and things

There's this moment, especially here at Google, when the massage is done and the person is leaving and it's when they should tip but they're either not going to or they left it in the bowl in the room, and we just sorta look at each other awkwardly and i try to say something that sounds professional like 'drink extra water. if you're sore ice' while they look at me and i look at them .....and yeah. it's uncomfortable sometimes.

last night i had a really unpleasant dream. i was jogging in la with lola and kate walsh (weird, huh). we were running on grass, but there were all these pits in it, deep ones, that we kept having to jump over. lola and i were doing a really good job and then lola sorta fell behind and i looked back just in time to see her fall into a big hole. she was trying to hang on with her front paws but she couldn't get herself back up and she fell in. i ran over to the hole, which was giant but she was gone. i woke up hyperventillating. lola was sleeping next to me. it was a really unpleasant way to wake up.

i think i'm going to name my bike hank. it's full name will be henry bacon, but i will never use it. i've just been thinking about the name henry, and then last night i was telling ines about this totally discusting bacon donut sandwhich thing i saw a picture of that made me a little sick just to think about and she said 'everything with you is about bacon' so...bacon it is.

thunder

It's thundering. It's raining. It's supposed to get cold tonight, which isn't very exciting. I don't mind rain but this is sorta a shitty way for it to do it.

I'm tired, so tired. I wish life would be less tiring. How does that happen?

I've been eating a lot of vegetarian food this week.

I think I'm ready to move.

i want to ride my bicycle

My new bicycle totally rules. I bought it yesterday and I love love love it. It still needs a name, and no I will not be naming it buttcycle, or viscosity for that matter. But, yeah, it's awesome. If it were just ten degrees warmer I would totally be riding it to work today. It's supposed to be warm tomorrow but it's going to rain.

I failed at going to the dentist today. I suck. It makes me totally annoyed.

Today I feel ok with moving. Tomorrow probably not.

and breath

The breath holding continues.

I wish that I could wake up every morning with resolve to do something, instead of doubt and questions, just resolve. Sometimes I wake up and think that my plan is great, that things will be great. Sometimes I wake up feeling nostalgic for this city and this life. Sometimes I wake up and wish I could just stay in bed. Why why why am i so unsure about everything?

I saw the movie Doubt with Davo today. I thought it was good, but not great. I thought all of the performances were excellent and I hope that Phillip Seymore Hoffman gets something.

Tonight is the Oscars. I really don't care that much, but I do like to see the arrivals for the dresses. Kevin always loved the fashion.

I took the longest nap today. I've been sleeping like crap lately. I've been having dreams about being trapped all the time. Yesterday i had to fight to get out of bed. I just couldn't do it.

It snowed, big snow globe snow. It was lovely.

What am i saying here? nothing really.

Last night i went to two birthday parties, for a Mat and a Matthew. I finally made it to the Whistler. the drinks are expensive but yummy. I had a rosemary collins and it was delicious. I can't wait for bike riding season. I will actually do stuff. No one seems to be doing anything now. I wish I had a frozen pizza or something, ultimate laziness. I have no food here. I really need to get it together, for reals.

sometimes i wish i was still sleeping

I was awoken this morning to the sound of...well a loud sound that woke me up and in my half asleep state i thought it was someone sawing. I looked at the clocked and thought '7am is too early for them to be doing construction' then, reality set in. it was not sawing, of course, it was the sound of someone scraping ice off of their car because, of course again, it was 11 degrees this morning and had snowed last night. Fucking winter.

I'm just not in a good mood. I woke up crabby and it's stuck. The bus took it's sweet time to come and the wind was blowing out of the west pretty hard. A girl tipped me four ones, four quarters, a dime, a nickel and two pennies. It's stupid.

Lola was an angel on her walk this afternoon, which is good because I am in no mood. I really think winter turns me into a raging bitch.

aaarrrggg

I went bicycle shopping today and found one that i love. i think I'm going to buy it up at Turin. I cannot wait to ride. I'm so excited even though it's not red, it's green, but I can live with that. It's a single speed and I couldn't be more excited about it.

I need a life coach, or a crystal ball, or even a magic 8 ball to tell me where to live. The more time goes by the less sure of anything I get. I'm talking to Dale online and he's selling me on Portland, which is wwwaaayy cheaper than anywhere in California, but it's also pretty granola and rains a lot in the winter. It doesn't get all that cold and it's close to the coast and mountains and trees. It's super bike friendly. I started looking around on craigslist, there even seems to be jobs for mts. So that's all fine and dandy. I know a few people out there and it seems pretty livable. I don't know.

I've always dreamed of California. Am I supposed to give that up? Is it more practical to? I'm going to make my way out there to see Dale maybe at the end of May. I wanted to go to New York in June. I wish I had someone to take Lola so i didn't feel so bad about going out of town.

Why does decision making have to be so difficult?

Last night i could have punched Lanny in the face. He was super insistent that I shouldn't buy a new bike with my tax money, but instead go to Ecuador because I'm not going to ride it when I move anyway.

Now i am super committed to this. When I move, I will continue to ride as often as possible. I know that it is much more difficult there than here. Chicago is a relatively small city with superb bike lanes and is very bicycle friendly, whereas L.A. is giant and with hardly any bike lanes. I'm going to bike it. I probably won't be able to bike to work but I can certainly bike socially. There is a bike community there, I found a website that's all about it.

I just can't stand it when people tell me I can't/won't do something. It just makes me want to do it more. I think I need a nap.

my little valentine

That would be no one, maybe Lola. I don't know. Well, it's Valentine's day and it doesn't really matter. I'm not sad that I'm alone today, it really shouldn't matter. When i was in L.A. Pk and I were at dinner at this little restaurant and all the tables were really close together. There was an older couple next to us and one of them was from Seattle or something Pacific Northwest like that. They were listening to our conversation and we eventually talked to them a little bit. Valentine's day came up and one of them, I think the lady, said that the man should appreciate her every day of the year. His response was 'I'll start tomorrow.'

Anyway, last night on the drive home I did get a little nostalgic about when things were good with Kevin. i mean, I loved him and he had so many qualities about him that were so good. In the end the bad outweighed the good but I remember Valentine's day with him. He never had any money but he tried. He always took me someplace nice, made me a mix cd, did something. He could be very thoughtful. It was one of the good qualities.

This year i have spent all day with Lola, finishing up Battlestar Galactica and cleaning. I'm meeting EA at Irazu and then we're going to see Coraline. I might go see an Elvis impersonator but we'll see.

It snowed again but it's not that unpleasant outside.

I get really nervous about moving, about being alone out there. I wonder if it's worth it, worth what I'll be sacrificing here. If I have all this doubt, is it really the right thing to do? I have so many months to decide. I feel like I've told everyone that I'm going to do it and even if I wanted to change my mind I might be too stubborn to, and that's just stupid.

faux spring, where have you gone?

We had fake spring this weekend and it was so nice. It was in the 60s so I spent a lot of time outside. I took Lola on long walks, we had dog dates. It was lovely. It could be this way all the time in California. I have to keep reminding myself of this. I get so nervous. I wish I could just trust a decision. I wish that I could pick something and stick with it and know that it's right. How can I know that it's right? It's impossible. Life is full of questions and no answers.

i don't remember

I really need to keep up with this because I now realize that I don't remember anything. I was looking through old blogs on myspace and I didn't remember anything. It's amazing what I can forget and what I can't forget.

Anyway, last night I saw rachel getting married with Maureen. I've started watching Battlestar Galactica because Davo has forced me, well not really but he's been trying to convince me forever. Sunday was the Superbowl, so I went to Pete and Beth's like always. I've seen a different one of my friends every day since Saturday. I won't have that option anymore when I live in California. I'll lose my support system completely. I mean, I have friends there but they're not the same. Graham is never around. Michael is great but flaky and hasn't REALLY known me since we were young. I feel like my friendship with PK is conditional, like we were much better friends when he wanted to fuck me and now that he has he can take or leave me. This may not be the actual case but me bringing this up with him would probably not go over well at all.

Today I'm going to try to start going to the gym at work. This will allow me to cancel my gym membership that I never use.

behind

I'm behind on this thing. I just got back from a lovely weekend in Los Angeles. I was able to spend a good deal of time outside, which I think I really needed and need a lot more in the future. Too bad that isn't happening here. This weekend was good for many reasons, and it reaffirmed my need to leave here, to be outside. I need it.

I can't believe that I missed the opportunity to complain in this thing about the fact that on Friday, when I woke up to walk Lola, the actual temperature, not the windchill, was -17. Negative fucking seventeen. I waited for the bus for over 20 minutes in this temperature. It was terrible.

It's not as bad today, in the 20s but it's been in the 80s in L.A. I miss riding my bike.

I miss not feeling like I can see my breath inside my apartment.

I miss sitting outside comfortably.

I want to be able to smell the outside air all year long without frozen nostrils. Is that too much to ask?

So it's been a few days but I was super busy with work.

It's snowing again but it's not super cold so it's totally doable. The doggy and I had a nice little time at the parking lot. She loves the snow and I love to watch her.

Went to the bulls game.

I'm so tired that I can't really say much.

I find that my desire to move has been waning a little bit this week. The weather hasn't been that cold and I haven't been working that much so I haven't HAD to go out there. I've been hanging out with friends a lot. Even when it's like this, I still find myself looking at apartments. I think I'm just nervous about being alone out there, about not having a job, not having money, not living walking distance from my friends (or anything for that matter). I have thought, on more than one occasion, that maybe I could do it Sept '10 and then I would be completely out of credit card debt and have a shit ton of money saved but then I feel like if I don't do it now I probably never will. I keep thinking that if a Google job opens up out there sometime this summer then it's meant to be. That's just stupid, meant to be. What is meant to be? Is anything meant to be? b'shert. I mean, does b'shert really exist? I just don't know.

I bought pk some mike ditka salsa. I really don't want to have to check my bag in order to bring it to him but I might have to. I would hate to get up to the security check point and have to leave it. I could send it, but that might take a while.

so this is the new year

and I don't feel any different...

It's cold again. I mean, it was always cold save for last Saturday during the day when it was 60. I'm ok with cold I guess. I have nothing to do tomorrow and can just sit in my apartment and read, or watch stupid tv or whatever. That's nice, I've been doing a lot of that lately.

Today one of my most faithful clients thought I was going to give him a topless massage. I do not give topless massages. Ever. Well, not to paying clients, I mean a significant other is a whole other deal...

I feel like I haven't been to Google in forever but really it's just been a little over a week. It's weird to have so much time off.

In three weeks I'll be in California.