boo

tonight i'm sad. i'm not sad all the time, every second. sometimes i can think about kevin in a really real way and still be ok. but not tonight. tonight was a walking down the street with lola while sobbing night. a night where i wonder if this is maybe how things will be from here on out. meaghan said she hopes that i'm writing things down, because we're not always this raw, but i'd rather forget this part. i'd rather not remember crying while doing the dishes because the water's too hot, or that emptiness in my gut that just won't go away. or the images my brain comes up with. i'd rather just fast forward to when i have fewer and fewer of these moments. when this pain is a distant memory. when i can do something other than talk about, think about, explain this situation. when people don't feel like they have to treat me delicately or aren't comfortable talking about their stuff because of mine. i'd rather skip thinking about ashes, and memorials and memories and trying to get lola to respond to kevin's name...like the dog remembering him makes any difference.