slowly. trying

It's Saturday. One week has passes since I found out about Kevin and it's been quite a tough one.

Andrea, Bob and I drove up to Michigan on Monday. The zombie drive. There have been a lot of zombie moments. In fact, most moments have been zombie ones. Thank you brain for this coping mechanism. I enjoy it more than the hysterical crying that happens when the zombie wears off.

The service....There was a visitation first. People I had heard about, people I had not. Everyone sad and numb and blank. People I had never heard of telling me that they knew so much about me, how much he loved me. How I was the love of his life. How much I did for him. I never know quite what to say to that. I mean, what do you? I mostly thanked them, told them I had heard about them, that he was mine too.

I tried to hold it together. I did such a good job until I signed the guest book. "Heidi Goldman and Lola Jean Goldman Hagen." I lost it. I had to leave the building. I went out to the car to see Lola (who was in the car. It was a cool day, she did fine. people walked her, said hi to her when they needed a break) and I took her to the front so she could see some of his friends and they could see her.

I met Kathy. My strange jealousy of her, not at this moment but in general. My feelings of guilt because of Kevin's phone calls to me from her house telling me he wished things could be the way they used to be, that he still loved me and always would. She and her sister were kind to me. Kathy was a mess, having a hard time keeping it together. I tried to comfort her but there's only so much I could do.

I was an ass hole and felt left out of things. There weren't really any pictures of us, like I was erased. It was selfish and I feel bad for having felt it. K's mom emailed today and in our exchanges she said that I was the love of his life, so I guess she acknowledges my importance to him, just not that day. Which is totally ok. I mean...she lost her only son. I was just being an ass.

Kevin's mom held it together pretty well. I was quite impressed. I mean, of course it was difficult and she had a hard time not crying, but she greeted everyone. She held her own. I'm impressed by her. She's been through so much. She has a priest speak, a man who never met him. A mean whom Kevin would have never wanted to speak at his funeral. Ever. At some point he said that Kevin didn't have any angry bone in his body and I actually laughed a little. Everyone heard me, and I felt a little bad but it was just funny. Kathy said later the he was fueled by anger and hate. That pain in the ass.

Glen, Drew and this guy Dave all spoke and then I looked around. I wanted Ian to speak, someone from Chicago but no one was stepping up so I did. I didn't know how to introduce myself. I didn't know what I was going to say, nor do I remember what I said, but I know that I fought back tears the whole time. That when I ran out of things to say I ran to my chair and shook and hyperventilated and when it was over found Ian and just cried, for a long time.

Kathy and her sister Theresa let me look through his things and I took his messenger bag, his "kurt cobain" sweater, the fleecy shirt he used to wear to bed and some t-shirts. I gave one to bob and one to ian. He would have wanted it. There was a bit of a struggle for the bag and I feel like I was a little selfish but I wanted it. I used it today. I had to fix a couple of the buckles and will probably get a hold of Chrome to replace something.

Ian asked Kathy who she was and when she said she was Kathy he looked at her really seriously and said "and who were you to Kevin" and when she said "his girlfriend" he said "oh, the current one." And then I had another ass hole moment where I was super amused that he said it. God, I suck.

The week has been a blur, a terrible blur. A pill filled blur, even. Today I've been so-so. Cried twice. Got an email from kevin's mom. She wants to come to Chicago to spread his ashes here. i told her we should also spread some in Ely. She told me that I was the love of his life and she wonders what would have happened had we stayed together. I'm repeating myself. I haven't even taken any pills.

Last night at Japandroids a girl passed out face first and wasn't moving. I had flashed of what it must have been like for kevin and then had a panic attack and started crying and then had to leave. I bought a better chain for his ring.

This will get easier, right?