I've been sleepwalking through every second that's passes since Saturday morning. My eyes are open, well mostly open, they're a little puffy, but my brain is completely shut off. I can't remember anything. I can't get names of people I've know for years right. I can't think of anything at all because it all leads back to a Kevin memory. Every time my heart hurts, I grab my chest but then think of Kevin grabbing his, his heart no longer beating. The pain down his arms, the tightness in his chest. Gripping it. Fall off his chair. If a heart attack he did actually have.
I talked to Mike, "trees", today and he said he's mad. He wants to know who this Mark guy is that he was staying with. Who his last phone call was to. What they ate for breakfast. What he did with his tax return. He said he's going to get the police report, that the stories don't add up. I don't know if it matters now.
My brain is so scattered. I'll be ok one minute and so not ok the next.
Kevin's mom called me this morning and it came up on my phone as Kevin. I sat there for a while and watching it ring. "Kevin Hagen" while his picture flashed on my phone's screen and my heart dropped into my stomach. She wanted to know what baseball team he liked. That she couldn't remember and knew that I would know.
Of course I know, I know him in a real way.
I still can't believe this. I feel like I'll never be ok again, I'll never be whole again.
I always hoped that he would get it together and we could maybe, just maybe...but...
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